Poem: War’s Lament

Okay, well, despite the title, I did this one without even really thinking about it. Since I said I would, I’ll post it. But you know, I’m not sure how well I like it. The rule for this one– it’s not quite freeverse– was couplets. I wanted to do series of couplets. I think I did pretty well– as far as experiments go.  But again, there I go off on a tangent. I’ll probably work on this one again sometime. Until then, FORWARD! Ever forward!

Enjoy if you can. As always, comments, critiques, etc. I love to hear feedback. It makes me a better person! Truly it does!

—-

War’s Lament

By Sam Oliver [Eris]

 

The faces as they pass

Are shining, golden glass

Like elemental fire

Untouched by heart’s desire

Her soul is made of stone

With silence cold as bone

To fate, we meet again

Inside that wildest fen

Are you the first to come?

Thy mind will strike thee dumb

Should purity ever fail

Remember past the Veil

For we are darkest night

The star that shines unbright

Tis we who cry in dark

As souls do disembark

From ships that sail away

Will you defeat today?

From blood to bone to soul

From stone to earth to clay

Our minds are one and whole

Our hearts not disarray’d

For we are goblins true

Demons and monsters too

With claws and teeth in red

We come to take the dead

So battle on with foes

Struck down with blades of snow

As ice feasts on their eyes

And cold creeps up thy thighs

Let bodies froze by time

Lay there until this rhyme

Is done.

—–

 

I still count it as somewhat freeverse. I think it’s okay, and it’s certainly interesting that it has this weird rhyming scheme. But by the same token I think there are definitely areas I could improve on– that is to say, it doesn’t really get going until the middle. I like the feel of it okay, and for a spur-of-the-moment poem I think it’s good. Another constraint I put on myself for this one was the meter- which is set at three sets of two syllables per line. That was fun to try to figure out. I also like the word ‘unbright’. It’s not really a word. Really it isn’t. But it’s fun to make them up every once in a while, and it feels like it should be a word!

-Eris

© 2012  Sam Oliver [Eris of Discord]

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4 thoughts on “Poem: War’s Lament

  1. As always, your tags deserve a post by themselves. My favorite: For we are goblins true

    Demons and monsters too

    With claws and teeth in red

    We come to take the dead

    • That is definitely my favorite part of this poem as well. I really like the way it rolled- it was easy to write after a while, after I got into the pattern of it. The first couple lines were hard, but after that it just all flew form my fingers like… like… something that uh… flies. ‘Twas at least fun to write.

  2. I’m going to be contrary and say your favorite part is not my favorite part (though it’s good)–THIS is better: “For we are darkest night/The star that shines unbright/Tis we who cry in dark/As souls do disembark/From ships that sail away.” It makes me think of Lord of the Rings… and even though I’m not a huge fan of LOTR, I always thought there was something beautiful about the ships that sail to the undying-lands-thing. Was it called the Undying Lands? I can’t remember. Something like it.

    Of course unbright can be a word!

    One thing that sort of interrupted the flow of the poem–for me–was the use of “thee” and “thy” at the same time as “you.” I know that when people actually spoke like that, “you” was reserved for multiple people and “thee” meant the speaker was only addressing one person, so people did use “you” and “thee” side by side… but I didn’t get the impression that your “you” was addressing multiple people (“Are *you* the first to come?”). At least if it does, that’s not exactly clear? So the mix of contemporary and archaic language sort of confused me, left me wondering which effect you were going for.

    BUT. On a whole, I really do like this poem. Besides the favorite part I mentioned… I also really love the opening two lines. “The faces as they pass/Are shining golden glass.” Lovely.

    • Ah! Something to improve on! Good catch, I barely even saw it, really, or thought about it. It’s true! I’m not planning on messing with this one right now. But thank you, Megan, something about it was bugging me and I think that yeah, that’s part of why I didn’t like it so much. Or you know, I’m indecisive, so it comes out in my writing sometimes. Darned if I know what I was going for; the poem always seems to come out, just to flow. I forced the start of this one and then it all flew after that, like something that… uh… flies.

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